In Which I Try to Share a Recipe, Sans Pictures or Close Care to What I Am Saying

Warning: This is not a "healthy" recipe, and I am a fat chick. If you think that you might feel compelled to judge or wish potentially devastating illness upon me, please read no further.

Did I tell y'all about the best scalloped (maybe au gratin) potatoes ever that I just made?

I didn't?

Let me rectify that.

So, I needed a side dish and was totally unmotivated to go to the store. I took stock of what was here. Potatoes, half and half, packaged shredded cheese, onions, bell peppers, garlic and some other staple-y stuff.

I know! I'll make scalloped potatoes!

So I did. It was a day that I didn't have to go on campus, but I still had errands to run. I grabbed 5 or 6 or so Idaho potatoes( which I typically hate because they are so dirty, but they are the least expensive and I have 3 boys to feed), scrubbed them, and sliced them on the mandolin. I put them in a bowl with water, a little salt, and a little white vinegar and put them in the fridge. I also diced maybe a quarter of a yellow onion (or a half, I love onion) half of a particularly small bell pepper and two cloves of garlic. Put them in bowls with tops and refrigerated.

Errands, errands, errands.

I returned a few hours later. Began with my cheese sauce--heated 3 tablespoons of butter (not margarine!), added 2.5 tablespoons of flour (no I don't do exactly equal because I am scared of being overpowered by flour). Whisk, whisk, whisk on a low to medium low heat. Keep it moving and keep it blonde. You do NOT want a burned roux. Just... yuck, trust me. In the meantime, I heated 2 cups of half and half with 1.5 cups of 1% milk (no particular reason for this mixture, that's what I had here) and turned my oven to 375 degrees. After about five minutes, I added my warmed dairy products to my roux. You can turn up the temp a little. Stir, let it thicken, stir, etc. When it is just about right (after several minutes is all I can say) add two cups of shredded cheese (cheddar blends work here--I had one called a cheddar melt. I also like the American and cheddar blend. Had it been for a holiday, I would've done one cup of cheddar melt OR American/cheddar blend plus one cup of gruyere), and a dash, I mean a dash--no more than two, of nutmeg. I can't stand for nutmeg to be too strong in cheese sauces. Now taste for salt. Do this after you add the cheese because cheese is salty.

While your sauce was thickening, you know what your lazy self should've been doing? Arranging your potatoes in a greased baking dish then tossing them with your onion and bell pepper and garlic and maybe a a half teaspoon to a teaspoon of seasoned salt. At this point, you can pour the cheese sauce all over them and mix all well. Cover with foil. Put in your preheated oven for 50 or 60 minutes. Remove the foil and, just for the hell of it, sprinkle some of the mozzarella you had left from pizza day on top. Bake a few minutes more. Then let that mozzarella bubble and do amazing, delicious things under the broiler.

Be prepared for your children and/or other loved ones to weep upon your feet.

Foodie in the Making!

The kid and I were watching Paula Deen and one of her sons talking about their years running "The Bag Lady." He was inspired. First, he told me he'd take my food and sell it door-to-door or at businesses. Aware of his own charm, he said, "I'd get ridiculous prices for it, too." Then he said, "We should get a van and drive it around the city and cook."

"Like a food truck?" I asked.

"Yeah!"

"You know the health department is all over those. We have to work hard and keep it super clean!"

I figured that would change his mind, he-of-the-science-project-on-growing-random-things-bedroom. But who I am to discourage my child's entrepreneurship/ideas? Maybe he'll really do it one day!

A Day in The Life...

Ok, more than a day. This is an opportunity for me to say, "Look how tired but happy I am!" and a real diary-like entry for the future.

Friday, I left Texas, en route to Louisiana for Spring Break. My sister and her crew had come to visit for their Spring Break, so we traveled as a mini caravan.

At least, until I was pulled over by the most talkative (but friendly) cop in Texas. I thought the speed limit was 70 because it was daytime. He claimed it dropped to 60 at some point and I was going 74 (yes, speeding either way, I know, I know).

I told him I hadn't seen it drop (I really hadn't) but that I fully acknowledged I was going 74. I don't argue with cops or try to talk my way out of anything. It's a matter of pride for me, even though I cannot afford a ticket. He asked me where I was going.

"Louisiana."

"Long ride," he said. (Yeah, that's why I was going 74). He then launched into a story of how he had been stationed at Ft. Polk and how far was my hometown from there and the lack of big cities, etc. etc.

I mostly nodded and smiled then drove away happily with my warning. I would only go 72 in a 70 mph zone, I decided. That's a compromise, right?

After two stops and about nine hours, we made it home. Bed, you think?

Wrong! I had a Lemon-and-Lime anniversary party on Saturday for which I needed to decorate. I'd thought the party was the 20th which would give me time to get home to prepare. I was wrong and we were on the clock. It was a relatively casual party, but still!

Coti deserted me, my sister promised she'd come cook the next day, mrs. o was exhausted from her own too busy week. So, Janna, T'niya, Tren, Mama and I went to work in the main room while Dee (one of the honorees) cleaned the kitchen and unpacked groceries.

We made all sorts of lovely discoveries. The last renters of the place hadn't cleaned. It was filthy. We planned to use three tables for a buffet style meal and set up eight for guests. We only set up six, because so many were broken. Below you can see our efforts-in-progress.





I made it back to my parents' at 2 AM and couldn't sleep. I decided to read. Around 4 AM, I dropped that book in my damned eye and realized, it was time.

Of course, I woke up at 5, fell back to sleep, and woke up for good at 8. I was excited about the day and had so much to doooooooooooo.

Coti, in makeup mode, agreed to play chauffeur. I went to every store in town, I swear (which amounts to fewer than ten, but still) for last minute items like pans. And, I changed my mind again and decided I wanted to do a small candy buffet. I had jars; I just needed yellow and green candies. I bought every bag of lemonheads and Andes mints at Dollar General, then bought the little green and white mints from another store. My sister brought green jolly ranchers, lemon drops, and green and white candy rings from a neighboring town. Coti and Tren filled a center vase with lemons and limes, and voila!





But food. I'd decided we'd have sandwiches and salads. Plus, the hubby involved wanted wings. So, our menu (sandwich wise) was mini burgers, mini pulled pork sandwiches, these hot deli sandwiches I make on rolls with a spinach and cream cheese based spread, and chicken salad sandwiches. Salads were chef's salad, potato salad, coleslaw, a fruit salad, and pasta salad. And we were going to have barbecue wings and Italian wings.

No way could I do that, all alone in, a day, in a kitchen with one really small stove. I had so much help. Coti cut up meat and cheese for the deli sandwiches, ran to the store, and stopped at everyone's house to pick up miscellany. Tren made chicken salad, she and Mama made sandwiches, and assembled deli sandwiches. My sister made the green salad, patted out some of the hamburgers and she and Tren fixed up the punch. Tesha made half the coleslaw, seasoned the chicken, made potato salad, cut up lemons and limes. Mama cut up the honeydew (we wanted green and yellow fruits for the fruit salad with a few strawberries to make it "pop" but we didn't know how to approach that honeydew :-). Mrs. O peeled potatoes and sliced rolls. I seasoned the hamburgers and patted out most of them, made coleslaw, cut up strawberries, made a pasta salad, made limeade and lemonade, made the spread for the deli sandwiches, prepared the roasts for the pulled pork, and made barbecue sauce. I also made pitchers of way too strong margaritas, mojitos, and lemon drop martinis (I was serious about the yellow and green, y'all). That stuff was so strong, I didn't touch it. I don't like to taste alcohol in my alcoholic drinks. Initially, I planned to mix and pour as the night proceeded, but my cousins said no, we were not going to run and serve the whole night. So we set up cups and set the pitchers and ice out. I also had two punchbowls, one with a limeade based punch and the other with a lemonade based punch.





I was on my feet for nine hours, on four hours of sleep. And the night before, I'd gotten about five hours then taught and drove all day. You know where this story is going, right?

My back! My ankles! I couldn't bend over by the time the party actually started. The hot shower didn't help as I hoped it would. I kept my cute little open toe heels on for all of ten minutes before I retreated to the kitchen and my house shoes. It was lovely and we were all in good moods, but Dee and Mike like blues music and I can't get down with it.

I made it until midnight. I had to come home and have mama rub my back with Bengay. Muscle aches beat my cute black dress and shoes! I'm getting old, y'all, for real.

I was supposed to go to Family and Friends' Day at my cousins' church. Church started at 11. I rolled over at 10:52, thought about making it, realized my clock was an hour behind and flopped back over.

I finally stumbled up, my eyes full of sawdust (I didn't drink the stuff I made. I did, however, have Malibu coconut rum and pineapple juice), and my body aching. I ate a plate of collard greens so I could have something on my stomach to take three ibuprofen for my poor body. A few hours, a coke, and this long story later, I feel better.

I could go again! But I think I will just climb in bed with this book I found.

No use in overdoing it :-p

It Occurs to Me...

For all my dreams of taking pastry-making classes (after I finish culinary arts school after I get tenure and on and on--my life is all about "afters"), I'm never going to be much of a baker because I hate getting flour on my hands and counters because it usually ends up on my clothes and floor.

And I HATE sifting.

But I still want a shiny red, top-of-the-line standing mixer with a dough hook attachment.

And I'm still probably going to make my nephew a cake today, even if I cuss while doing it.

Love,

elle, the kitchen gadget lover

Ready for the Restaurant...

Y'all know, after I'm tenured and make my way all the way to full professor, I'm catering or becoming a restaurateur :-)

Anyway, I think I'll start sharing some of the constant experimenting I do here. And when I break down and buy another digital camera, I'll have pretty, shiny pics.

What we had last night:

BBQ pork sandwiches
Coleslaw
Corn on the cob

I highly recommend all these. I didn't use poppy seeds in the coleslaw, though. And I just boiled the corn with a little vinegar, sugar, butter, and salt. I rubbed the roast Sunday, then came home between my morning class and evening class yesterday to put it in the oven. We had a way late dinner.

And of course, all my kid ate was corn on the cob. That's why I slacked up on my cooking for a while, but forget him! ;-p

Recipes!

*As you've probably noticed, particularly on Facebook, my "more healthful eating" plan has been shot since I've been in Louisiana. I'm getting back on the bandwagon next week. :-)*

Sunday is my family church's Homecoming. It's a huge event and we'll cook a big dinner for extended family and anyone who might drop by afterward. This is one day on which my mom takes lead; I'll be like the sous chef :-)

Anyway, Mama is cooking dressing, greens, cornbread, potato salad, fried chicken, sweet potato pies and pound cake. I'm going to make chicken and dumplings and I usually make mac and cheese, but I want to make something different. I also need to make a dessert. I'm determined to make something besides red velvet cake, peach dumplings, or strawberry shortcake (my standards) or cheesecake (which I make occasionally but I don't feel like that much effort, especially when they still sometimes get those fine little cracks in the top).

I thought maybe something with egg noodles... only because I'm looking at a pack now. The only thing I've found online that remotely interests me is another play on mac and cheeses, so it doesn't have to be that though. Go ahead; leave me ideas (or e-mail them). It doesn't have to be traditional southern food--I like to throw something new on 'em every once in a while.

What to Do with Myself...

Because I'm helping coordinate her reception and take care of a few wedding details, my friend Dee volunteered to cook my portion of my family's Christmas dinner. Dee is a throwback to another time with the soul food cooking, so I happily agreed.

So it is Christmas Eve. I've wrapped 97% of the presents I'm going to wrap. Dee is making collard greens, ham, and chicken spaghetti and offered to make the dressing. That is more than enough for my share.

And I have nothing Christmas-y to do. My son is gone with his dad, my sister is doing last minute shopping, and my parents don't feel well.

I am at a loss as to what to do with myself! I'm supposed to make a white chocolate cake, but I'm almost out of the notion of trying a new recipe. I made red velvet cake and a fudge cheesecake at Thanksgiving, so I don't want to do those again. Peach dumplings can't be made until tomorrow and the crescent rolls I need to make the dumplings cost $637 in a town with two little grocery stores, so those are iffy (I refuse to drive out of town on Christmas Eve. REFUSE!!). My mom already made lemon pies. That is about the extent of my dessert repertoire.

I need a task.

Late Night Snack, Pt. 2

No horror story, this time... yet.

When I was young, tuna fish was one of the staples of kid birthday parties on my circuit. Tuna on crackers (we loved the moms who used Ritz crackers instead of saltines :-) or on soft white bread cut into squares or triangles usually sat nestled among a bowl of chips, the cake with the crunchy, colorful decorations, and punch which was usually kicked up tropical punch kool-aid (all red kool-aids are NOT equal!).

But, when my cousins, sister, and I got older, we realized eating the tuna fish was one thing. Opening it and having the smell on your hands was quite another. We abandoned tuna fish once we learned to make chicken salad which was basically the same recipe with chicken breasts and no smell. We also abandoned the practice of baking cakes and applying the decorations. I used to love the anticipation created by smelling that birthday cake baking. Now, amongst my sometimes-bougie set of friends, my suggestion that I bake my son's birthday cake is met with horror.

The other day at work, one of the psychologists on my hall brought tuna for lunch. She had her door open and the scent wafted down the hallway. Rather than being turned off, I suddenly had a craving for tuna. I picked up some Friday night. And a little while ago I "made tuna fish" for the first time in forever. I think what my family eats/makes is probably properly called tuna salad, but we don't say that.

Anyway, I put in Miracle Whip (I'm not touching that black people don't eat mayonnaise thing, but at my house, well, we didn't :-), sweet pickle relish, a little sugar, and chopped up bits of 1) a granny smith apple 2) red onion and 3) boiled eggs. My mom also uses Kraft Sandwich Spread, but my lazy ass figures with the pickle relish, who needs it?

Y'all, that was the best thing ever! How could I have forgotten? I'm about to run out for Ritz crackers in a minute, I swear.

But my late night snack has me thinking about all the ways people jazz up basic foods. I mean, a few weeks ago I was looking for a new mac and cheese recipe, came across a approximately a thousand, and used one that was absolutely horrible. I also experiment a lot with my spaghetti sauce and tacos.

So what common/basic food do you add a little somethin'-somethin' extra to? I'd really like to know because I'm always trying new things. And though I've been HORRIBLE about responding to my commenters this semester, I love y'all and I promise I'm reading, so please share your ideaas.

southern elle

Y'all, guess what I did? Made this Southern Red Velvet Cake (sans pecans) from scratch!!!!

Why am I so giddy? Because I love to cook, but I cannot bake.

So to make a cake.

From scratch.

I know my "presentation" isn't awesome, but this cake... c'est si bon. And it's prettier in person, trust me. :-p

Oh! I feel the way I did when I finally cooked a decent pot of collard greens.

Sweet Suggestions?

So the ever-so-sweet Coti just brought me fresh strawberries. As in big, beautiful, out-of-someone's garden strawberries. I'm looking forward to eating them.

Thing is, I want to "do" something with them--I don't want to eat them plain. There's about a pint and, while I know how to make from-scratch strawberry shortcake, I don't want that (I'd need to buy more strawberries anyway).

Any suggestions?

Why Mastering Homemade Desserts Is Going to Be Slightly More Dificult than I Anticipated

The setting: elle, prone on a bed, giddy yet strangely nostalgic as today was the last day of summer school. Suddenly, my sister throws open the door.

Sis: Girl, are you alive?

Me: Barely.

Sis: Well, I cooked. elle, you should've seen the big bag of rice Daddy brought me. And I guess I must've been thinking like him, cuz I cooked way too much rice.

Me: indistinguishable-but-sympathetic grunt.

Sis: Anyway, I'ma put you some on a plate for you and throw the rest out.

Me: (For the first time, a spark of interest makes me rise partially from my repose). Nuh-uh. I'ma call Mama and get her to tell me how to make rice pudding.

Sis: Okay.

So, I call ma mère, who's away at a convention. We exchange pleasantries, and then I jump in.

Me: Ma, how do I make rice pudding?

Mama: Oh, y'all ate rice?

Me: Mm-hmm.

Mama: With what?

Me: Sis cooked rice and fried some chicken. Now, ma-

Mama: Well, boil your rice.

Me: Ma!

Mama: Okay. Put you some eggs in there.

Me: How many?

Mama: Three. (This will be the last clear direction). And some sugar.

Me: How much sugar?

Mama: You know I can't tell you that, baby.

Me: Like half a cup or a cup or what, Ma?

Mama: Half a cup.

Me: (sounding doubtful) For rice, Mama? Half a cup enough for rice?

Mama: (in that sarcastic/reprimanding blend) Well, put what you think since you know.

Me: Okay. What else?

Mama: Uh, some milk. Add some milk.

Me: How much, Mama?

Mama: elle! Enough. Get it wet.

Me: Okay.

Mama: But not soupy. You know wet, but not soupy.

Me: Yes, ma'am. That's all?

Mama: Yeah--no, no. Vanilla flavoring.

Me: Like a capful?

Mama: Whatever looks right.

Me: (put upon sigh) Anything else? What about butter?

Mama: Your sister put butter in the rice, didn't she?

Me: Probably, but I like lots of butter.

Mama: Well put it in. But not too much, elle. Just-

Me: Enough.

Mama: Mm-hmm. And you could put some cinnamon if you like it. I don't like it.

Debate about temperature at which to cook ensues. Mama issues a last minute"Just bake it long enough!" Parting pleasantries exchanged.

Rice pudding going into the oven:

An aside: Chocolate cake from Sunday dinner. It tasted better than my limited decorating skills would indicate.

Sunday Dinner

I'm cooking Sunday dinner today. I decided to tackle my arch nemesis, collard greens. I have a hard time seasoning them the way I want them to be. To me, turnips, mustards, and cabbage (the other kinds of greens we eat regularly) have their own flavor, so that helps out. But collards--if you don't get those just right, it's like eating a mouthful of hot water.

To be honest, I had it a bit easy today. Trinity cut up the greens for me and my mom washed them--those are the two worst things about cooking collard greens. Plus, Trin gave me some of her preferred cured meat for cooking them with--that should help with seasoning them. And I'm using my grandmother's old pots for luck.

Okay so here are four bunches (it's just me and my parents today, but I always cook a little extra for unexpected company) dumped in a boiling pot of what will become the "pot liquor"--water, salt, cooking oil, and the cured meat.

We're having neckbones with them--here they are being washed.

The required vegetables, mostly for the neckbones, though I will put some jalapeno in the greens. My mom said I could put a little onion as well, but I'm sticking with what I know.

Coarsely chopped cuz I did it by hand. I refuse to sit there and prettily dice like my mom will, but that's probably why I don't cook as well as my mom either :-). Plus the seasoning salt and vinegar for the neckbones (you can add garlic and pepper as well).

What the greens have "cooked down" (reduced, I guess?) to so far.

Okay, neckbones ready to boil. I layered them and sprinkled stuff throughout.

I'm cheating on dessert--I was supposed to make a homemade chocolate pie, but I forgot to buy cocoa, then forgot to get some from Trin's house. Ah, well.

Stirred up.

Results later! I'm about to be shamefully late for 11:15 service.