Well, Best Buy couldn't back the hard drive up. So, I'm on the verge of saying f*** it and just sending it off for service. However, I talked to one of the manufacturer's technicians and she says I should try somewhere else. "After all," she said (and I swear I'm not lying), "there has to be a way. The FBI could get it no matter what."
I mentally ran through my list of influential contacts, realized none was an FBI agent to my knowledge, and returned to my initial dilemma: keep trying to back it up or just get it fixed before my head explodes?