Why Mastering Homemade Desserts Is Going to Be Slightly More Dificult than I Anticipated

The setting: elle, prone on a bed, giddy yet strangely nostalgic as today was the last day of summer school. Suddenly, my sister throws open the door.

Sis: Girl, are you alive?

Me: Barely.

Sis: Well, I cooked. elle, you should've seen the big bag of rice Daddy brought me. And I guess I must've been thinking like him, cuz I cooked way too much rice.

Me: indistinguishable-but-sympathetic grunt.

Sis: Anyway, I'ma put you some on a plate for you and throw the rest out.

Me: (For the first time, a spark of interest makes me rise partially from my repose). Nuh-uh. I'ma call Mama and get her to tell me how to make rice pudding.

Sis: Okay.

So, I call ma mère, who's away at a convention. We exchange pleasantries, and then I jump in.

Me: Ma, how do I make rice pudding?

Mama: Oh, y'all ate rice?

Me: Mm-hmm.

Mama: With what?

Me: Sis cooked rice and fried some chicken. Now, ma-

Mama: Well, boil your rice.

Me: Ma!

Mama: Okay. Put you some eggs in there.

Me: How many?

Mama: Three. (This will be the last clear direction). And some sugar.

Me: How much sugar?

Mama: You know I can't tell you that, baby.

Me: Like half a cup or a cup or what, Ma?

Mama: Half a cup.

Me: (sounding doubtful) For rice, Mama? Half a cup enough for rice?

Mama: (in that sarcastic/reprimanding blend) Well, put what you think since you know.

Me: Okay. What else?

Mama: Uh, some milk. Add some milk.

Me: How much, Mama?

Mama: elle! Enough. Get it wet.

Me: Okay.

Mama: But not soupy. You know wet, but not soupy.

Me: Yes, ma'am. That's all?

Mama: Yeah--no, no. Vanilla flavoring.

Me: Like a capful?

Mama: Whatever looks right.

Me: (put upon sigh) Anything else? What about butter?

Mama: Your sister put butter in the rice, didn't she?

Me: Probably, but I like lots of butter.

Mama: Well put it in. But not too much, elle. Just-

Me: Enough.

Mama: Mm-hmm. And you could put some cinnamon if you like it. I don't like it.

Debate about temperature at which to cook ensues. Mama issues a last minute"Just bake it long enough!" Parting pleasantries exchanged.

Rice pudding going into the oven:

An aside: Chocolate cake from Sunday dinner. It tasted better than my limited decorating skills would indicate.