Saturday, February 18, 2006

Depression Realization #1

What the hell is wrong with me?
1) I attribute the cause of this latest episode to a number of factors:

a) my beloved father is very ill and started dialysis, which I HATE!

b) (and this whole confession reveals that I'm a baaad feminist, but an honest one) my heart has been broken yet again by a repeat culprit. Why do I keep letting him do it? You know the standard, "But I love him." But there's also the reason that everyone fusses at me for: I have low self-esteem. No, in 31 years, I haven't learned to embrace mysef and my body. Oh, my friends reassure me that I'm beautiful inside and out and that the men in my life have just been whimpering idiots, but, they say it from the comfort of their marriages and knowing they won't be alone. Again. Tonight. Bitchy of me, but that's how I feel.

c) Writing a dissertation is hard :-)

d) I need to find a med and stick with it--at least til I finish school. :-p I abandon them as soon as I feel better or a soon as "the problem" clears up. To be fair, the latest gave me the dismal side effect of widespread, horrible itching.

So, that's the self diagnosis. Other realizations to come.

1 comment:

Dr. Mon said...

I'm really sorry to read about your father's illness--you and your family are in my thoughts.

Unfortunately, if your friends are right and you do have some self-esteem issues, grad school is not a healthy environment to take care of yourself. That has been an off and on battle for me to and getting away from my school has helped me a great deal in that process--jus having time for me. But I'm sure I join your friends in rootin you on as you go through this relationship low.

Revelations and ruminations from one southern sistorian...