Monday, July 23, 2007

Doldrums

A dip in the emotions. One that I hope is temporary.

I don't think I'm all that sad... just not happy right now.

I'm feeling decidedly sorry for myself, I think. A little wallowing because I'm tired, more than a bit lonely, missing my own space, and wondering what happens now. In the last couple of days, I've had tears like, right behind my eyes and a tingly nose.

Then, as usual, I feel badly, because I have a good life in most ways. And my mom can look at me and tell--she says, "What is meant for you will come. Stop rushing!"

Usually, I am content with that. But sometimes, my mind is in a million places and I want to know. What will happen as my child approaches teenagehood--what if I "lose" him? What will happen with my career, the one that I'm just starting when most of my friends and family are settling in? What will happen with my personal life as I am acutely aware of my status as the only "single" among my friends? I battle that one all the time--part of me usually content with the other relationships in my life, part of me admitting that, no matter how weak or contradictory or unfulfilled or whatever it makes me seem, I do miss having a "real" significant other.

What am I willing to accept may never be part of my life--will I be happy spending the rest of my life unattached? just getting by? being bossy and trying to fix everything for everyone else while some tiny portion of me sometimes wants someone to smooth my way (and isn't that last thought petty and self-important)? Will I regret my decision to have no more children? to become a professional historian rather than some other thing for which I may have had an affinity?

Every once in a while those things and more settle on me, on my mind, and I can't shake them. And I know me--by this weekend, I'll probably be fine. But for now...

Ugh.

6 comments:

IR said...

I found your blog through History Enthusiast... but feel sympathetic. My post today was entitled "Work and Gloom," LOL. I'm newer to the blogging world, but can't wait to look through yours.

RageyOne said...

I can sympathize with your feelings. I have some of those same thoughts on occasion and it is difficult to "be patient" as your mom implies.

I am so ready to be settled and in a new place. I know, however, that will come, but I'm ready for it NOW!

It is quite frustrating at times.

Kisha said...

Don't worry you will find your way! You've accomplished so much.

And if you ever regret not having more children you can always be a foster parent or adopt. There are so many kids (of color in the U.S.) that need homes, even for a temporary time.

Prof Mama said...

Elle, I can relate to so much of this. Concerns about a child growing up and becoming distant? Check. Worried about the fact that you're at the beginning of your career when your friends are well-established? Check. Fear of regretting the number of children you have? Check.

While my particular struggles are different from yours, I can relate to many of the general issues at work here. I don't know if it makes you feel any better to know you're not alone, but reading your post helps remind me I'm not the only one. That makes me feel like it's not just that there is "something wrong" with me.

Hang in there.

Quinn said...

Hugs from the Left Coast. Hope it goes away soon.

JustMe said...

late to respond, but know i'm hoping things get better for you.

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